Inside Our Heart, Stardust.

The struggle is real, and at the same time, completely made up. Time is running away from us, and at the same time, standing still, by our side. Life's contradictions pull us in opposite directions, leaving us displaced. I often find myself dreaming of accomplishing things, but failing. I have gained things in the past couple of months, but I have lost things as well. It is a choice, and every single day, we make that choice, and we continue down a path, and before we know it, we're completely different from the person we were before.

The strange thing is...I want to be a completely different person, from the one I am right now. It's an aspiration, of sorts. I don't like what I have, and therefore, I'm hoping that each new day will bring change. And change is hard.

Here We Are.

I've been in my internship for 4 months now. I really like it - I found good friends, found good work, and I get a good amount of stipends and privileges to cap it all off. There's nothing to complain about...except for the fact that I feel like right now, I'm waiting with bated breath for something. The wait is slowly but surely eating away at me, I think. I never did like not knowing what was going on, nor not being in control of my destiny. Today, as I wait for decisions that are out of my hands to be made, I feel slightly anguished.

Nevertheless, there are things to look forward to in the future. I hope to see more places, do more good work, and meet more awesome people. Simple, sweet, but I realize now that it's not without sacrifice. Nothing truly is. If I do this, I can't get something else, because life doesn't work that way. If you're going to be away from a country for a really long time, then you shouldn't get into a relationship with anyone from said country, because you're going to be away for so long and its going to suck, like trying to squeeze your head through a polo sweet.

That was a pretty terrible analogy, and for that, I apologize.

So now, while other aspects of my life are moving forward at a pleasant pace, I can't get into a healthy relationship. I know I shouldn't be rushing things, and that the time will come, eventually, but right now, I really would like a girl I can hang around with all the time. Fleeting about from date to date is just too tiring. Why don't I just stick to one date? Because that's not how non-relationships work. If you keep going out with the same girl over and over again, and if she's single, something's going to happen. Life is simple, like that.

So here we are, you and me together again, I, typing, and you, reading. I've gotten rusty, haven't I? I can feel my fingers aching, crying out in pain, as I move it furiously across the keyboard, at a pace it hasn't encountered since 2013 was with us. The joints creak, like doors in an abandoned house, yet it hops around with the energy of an old person who has just regained his or her youth.

There's life in this fingers, I can feel it. My mind is racing with things to say - somehow, I'm typing far more fluently than I had anticipated, and the energy is exciting, like drugs pumping through my veins. I like this feeling, and I've missed it more than I realise. One day I'll go back to writing again, and posting on Facebook, and getting a shitload of likes.

Life changed for me, fundamentally, about a month ago, when my phone died. Actually, my life changes very drastically with every single change that I encounter. I am a very malleable person, you see - bend me, and I will bend. I'll never break because I'm far too flexible. It's good, but how do you stay in shape? I don't know.

I'm beginning to ramble now. Maybe I should have thought about what I was going to type before my fingers started moving. A life of it's own, that's what I gave my fingers. Eyes closed, mouth against my pillow, head in the clouds, my fingers continue to say things, as they are thought of in my head. There is a lag, and a filter that the thoughts have to go through, but more or less, this is what I'm thinking.

Exciting things are in store. God have mercy on me and my soul.

Battlegrounds.

It's 3am. The fan has been taken someplace else, and I am in a bright room, on a cool dark night. While I was out on my run, I noticed that the moon was lit-up, like a giant disco ball. I an't see it from where I'm sitting, but I'm sure that it's still there. Just as I'm sure that other people are awake right now, going about their own businesses.

At 3am, we should be sleeping. Yet here we are. We try to carve out a litle piece of the nighttime for ourselves. Futile? Maybe. I tried to sleep, but I didn't get anywhere. I had a short dream about darkness - just darkness. What kind of fucked up dream is that?

I've been back in Singapore for about a week now. Things have changed, and things have not. I did not get better, at least, not in a way that is noticeable to me. I have changed, but whether it's for the better or for the worse, I have no clue. Maybe as the weeks of 2014 pass me by, I will get a clearer picture of how I am. You can never tell how you are, can you now?

I type, and I wonder whether I can still write. I've lost touch, I admit. Out of practice, I'm just typing the thoughts that come into my mind, as they come into my mind. No filter, at least, I think there isn't. There's always a filter though. That's just how I am. I don't publicize this blog, but one day, I just might, and someone's going to read it, and they will recognize how I feel, on the 12th of Janauary, at 3 in the morning.

Do you feel what I feel? Have you ever felt the way I do?

Trapped in a room with a really sad person.

Don't you just feel so useless when you're friend's clearly having the worst time of her life, and there's barely a thing that you can do or say that will make things better? I ran the scenarios through my head several times already, and there is nothing. If I give her advice, I won't be telling her things that she doesn't already know. If I tell her that I'll be there for her...how will that help? I want to give her a tight hug, but alas, no.

Anyway, yesterday afternoon, I posted something on Facebook and it received a lot of 'likes'. The amount of 'likes' took me slightly by surprise. I knew it was funny, but not that funny. Anyway, it received over 90 'likes'...but the sad thing is that it's not completely true. For the sake of completeness, I fabricated a part of the post...and no one knows about it. I'm feeling slightly guilty, but also mildly amused. I guess I am a born storyteller after all.

Today, I had brunch at this place called Strictly Pancakes. The clientele is too young for my liking - lots of teens, from the looks of it. They were very strict too, with our booking. All in all, the place didn't leave a very favourable image with me, because it seems like they're more concerned with getting lots of traffic, rather than giving customers a relaxing experience. They're stingy with the butter (they gave only a little, and charged $0.50 if you ask for extra), they clear your plates way too quickly, and the space was cramped as hell.

The pancake I ordered was above-average. Good, but not good enough to overwrite the other factors that I listed above. Today would have been the fourth time I'm visiting the place. I'm never coming back again, if I had a choice. Today was an exception because out of the 7 of us, I was the only one who had gone there before. New things are always exciting, so I agreed with their decision to go to a subpar place for brunch.

Going to Kith Cafe tomorrow. I'm quite excited. Tomorrow is shaping up to be really busy. Brunch, and then I'm off to sign my contract for my LOA, and then I'm off to get my visa for India sorted out. Busy busy busy. I'll log off here then folks. Have a good evening. :)

Eat Brunch Twice A Day.

On a complete and total whim, I met up with a friend of mine at 8 in the morning at Changi Airport. She happened to be driving her parents to the airport, and I happen to be living close to the airport. So just like that, plans were put into place, and I found myself struggling out of bed and then rushing out of the house earlier than I was used to. 

The airport was nice, as always. This holidays, they have a Spongebob-theme going on. At different terminals, you can find Spongebob displays. It's pretty cute. At the same time, it was sort of a frightening realization - that Spongebob has been around for so long. When I was in Primary School, I was already watching the show. And here I am, many years later, marveling at huge displays of the same character. 

We drove to Holland Village where we found a nice place called Park. Park stands apart from Holland Village, at a random grass patch, all by itself. It was nearly deserted, as expected on a weekday morning. I had their usual breakfast and their latte. It was so-so, but I like the place nonetheless. The decor was very well-done, and they had lots of magazines. There were also powerplugs, which is a huge bonus!

After brunch, my friend went for her hair appointment, and I found myself all alone at Park. Some of my friends were studying at Republic Polytechnic, which is all the way at Jurong. On a whim, once again, I decided to make a trip up north. Before that, I bought cupcakes from Plain Vanilla.

Haha. I realize that I'm just describing what happened to me today, and not much about how I feel. How do I feel? Lemme think. I was happy to have met up with a friend, and it was really nice chatting with her over brunch. I'm also happy that I got to go to a new place, Republic Poly, and join some of my friends in the north. I probably won't do it again, but at the very least, I can say that I've been there.

I'm supposed to be studying for my three remaining finals - Consumer Behavior, Marketing Research and Strategy. Consumer Behavior and Strategy are very qualitative subjects - preparation will entail getting to know the subjects inside and out, and then being able to apply those concepts in the paper. I'm not too worried, because even given one day, I think I can do reasonably well. The more pressing problem was Marketing Research, which is a module I don't really like because of all the calculations, and mathematical concepts which were never fully fleshed out for us. I was worried, but then I realized that the paper was open book, so now I'm more relaxed.

All in all, I'm relaxed about my finals. I think I have enough time to study what needs to be studied. The next few months look set to be exciting as well, with my trip to India, and my full-time internship, and my Brandstorm competition, on top of all the other adhoc stuff which will surely come my way. It is packed, but at the same time, I don't know whether I'm going about it correctly. I guess you never do huh? One thing that's certain is that 2014 will be a different kind of year.

Hopefully, different in the best way possible.

Not The Way It Is.

Today I was supposed to head up to swim in the infinity pool of Marina Bay Sands. Alas, things didn't turn out like how I wanted it to. My friend and I had this free pass, supposedly, but it was rejected, because they recently changed their system or something. Sure, I was disappointed, but a large part of me was just glad that I was able to spend time with a friend who I won't be seeing again, in a really long while, I think.

We went to Windowsill Pies instead. And then had dinner after. It was cozy, and I can't really ask for more.

Before that, I had my first paper for this semester! It was for CAT, an excel course in SMU. I did my best, that's all I can say for sure. One of the questions was a tough nut to crack - I cracked it a little where some people barely dented it. Actually, most people couldn't even begin to answer the question. That puts me on the right side of the bell-curve.

Another thing that happened today was...well, one of my eyecandies from one of my classes sent me an email inviting me to be part of her team for a marketing case competition. I gladly agreed. If this competition goes as planned, I'll be juggling the competition with my internship, which is just the way I like it. Rather have your hands full, than playing with your balls, as I always say.

Past stuff.

I stumbled into a blog that I started earlier this year. It's really dark. I can't quite remember what state of mind I was in back then. I think I'm better, now, but I'm not sure. It's scary. One day, I'm alright, and the next day, I might be in pieces. My posts from that blog kept talking about how...I was going to get better, and how I'm a terrible person.

It saddens me how sad I was back then. Slowly but surely, I pick up the pieces and try to build something stronger, something that will not waver or break as easily. I must be made of titanium.

When I started today, my mind was set on rejecting an internship offer that I had received. The job scope wasn't exactly what I was looking for, and to me, if I was to take a break from school, it should be for a good reason. I aced the interview, and I think I clicked with my potential boss and coworker. But because it wasn't what I really wanted, I did not intend to accept it...until I found out about the pay. It is...significantly higher than what most interns get. I stopped thinking so much, and I accepted the offer.

So that's how my life is going to be like, from January to the end of April. It's exciting, and scary, but that's just how life is. At the very least, I'll be accumulating capital, which I can use to do some cool things. Before that, there'll be my India trip. All, totally new and exciting things. I'm hoping that this will help me improve as a person, but then again, I might be chasing illusions once again.

I'll leave this post here. It was nice talking to you once again, stranger.