Inside Our Heart, Stardust.

The struggle is real, and at the same time, completely made up. Time is running away from us, and at the same time, standing still, by our side. Life's contradictions pull us in opposite directions, leaving us displaced. I often find myself dreaming of accomplishing things, but failing. I have gained things in the past couple of months, but I have lost things as well. It is a choice, and every single day, we make that choice, and we continue down a path, and before we know it, we're completely different from the person we were before.

The strange thing is...I want to be a completely different person, from the one I am right now. It's an aspiration, of sorts. I don't like what I have, and therefore, I'm hoping that each new day will bring change. And change is hard.

Here We Are.

I've been in my internship for 4 months now. I really like it - I found good friends, found good work, and I get a good amount of stipends and privileges to cap it all off. There's nothing to complain about...except for the fact that I feel like right now, I'm waiting with bated breath for something. The wait is slowly but surely eating away at me, I think. I never did like not knowing what was going on, nor not being in control of my destiny. Today, as I wait for decisions that are out of my hands to be made, I feel slightly anguished.

Nevertheless, there are things to look forward to in the future. I hope to see more places, do more good work, and meet more awesome people. Simple, sweet, but I realize now that it's not without sacrifice. Nothing truly is. If I do this, I can't get something else, because life doesn't work that way. If you're going to be away from a country for a really long time, then you shouldn't get into a relationship with anyone from said country, because you're going to be away for so long and its going to suck, like trying to squeeze your head through a polo sweet.

That was a pretty terrible analogy, and for that, I apologize.

So now, while other aspects of my life are moving forward at a pleasant pace, I can't get into a healthy relationship. I know I shouldn't be rushing things, and that the time will come, eventually, but right now, I really would like a girl I can hang around with all the time. Fleeting about from date to date is just too tiring. Why don't I just stick to one date? Because that's not how non-relationships work. If you keep going out with the same girl over and over again, and if she's single, something's going to happen. Life is simple, like that.

So here we are, you and me together again, I, typing, and you, reading. I've gotten rusty, haven't I? I can feel my fingers aching, crying out in pain, as I move it furiously across the keyboard, at a pace it hasn't encountered since 2013 was with us. The joints creak, like doors in an abandoned house, yet it hops around with the energy of an old person who has just regained his or her youth.

There's life in this fingers, I can feel it. My mind is racing with things to say - somehow, I'm typing far more fluently than I had anticipated, and the energy is exciting, like drugs pumping through my veins. I like this feeling, and I've missed it more than I realise. One day I'll go back to writing again, and posting on Facebook, and getting a shitload of likes.

Life changed for me, fundamentally, about a month ago, when my phone died. Actually, my life changes very drastically with every single change that I encounter. I am a very malleable person, you see - bend me, and I will bend. I'll never break because I'm far too flexible. It's good, but how do you stay in shape? I don't know.

I'm beginning to ramble now. Maybe I should have thought about what I was going to type before my fingers started moving. A life of it's own, that's what I gave my fingers. Eyes closed, mouth against my pillow, head in the clouds, my fingers continue to say things, as they are thought of in my head. There is a lag, and a filter that the thoughts have to go through, but more or less, this is what I'm thinking.

Exciting things are in store. God have mercy on me and my soul.

Battlegrounds.

It's 3am. The fan has been taken someplace else, and I am in a bright room, on a cool dark night. While I was out on my run, I noticed that the moon was lit-up, like a giant disco ball. I an't see it from where I'm sitting, but I'm sure that it's still there. Just as I'm sure that other people are awake right now, going about their own businesses.

At 3am, we should be sleeping. Yet here we are. We try to carve out a litle piece of the nighttime for ourselves. Futile? Maybe. I tried to sleep, but I didn't get anywhere. I had a short dream about darkness - just darkness. What kind of fucked up dream is that?

I've been back in Singapore for about a week now. Things have changed, and things have not. I did not get better, at least, not in a way that is noticeable to me. I have changed, but whether it's for the better or for the worse, I have no clue. Maybe as the weeks of 2014 pass me by, I will get a clearer picture of how I am. You can never tell how you are, can you now?

I type, and I wonder whether I can still write. I've lost touch, I admit. Out of practice, I'm just typing the thoughts that come into my mind, as they come into my mind. No filter, at least, I think there isn't. There's always a filter though. That's just how I am. I don't publicize this blog, but one day, I just might, and someone's going to read it, and they will recognize how I feel, on the 12th of Janauary, at 3 in the morning.

Do you feel what I feel? Have you ever felt the way I do?

Trapped in a room with a really sad person.

Don't you just feel so useless when you're friend's clearly having the worst time of her life, and there's barely a thing that you can do or say that will make things better? I ran the scenarios through my head several times already, and there is nothing. If I give her advice, I won't be telling her things that she doesn't already know. If I tell her that I'll be there for her...how will that help? I want to give her a tight hug, but alas, no.

Anyway, yesterday afternoon, I posted something on Facebook and it received a lot of 'likes'. The amount of 'likes' took me slightly by surprise. I knew it was funny, but not that funny. Anyway, it received over 90 'likes'...but the sad thing is that it's not completely true. For the sake of completeness, I fabricated a part of the post...and no one knows about it. I'm feeling slightly guilty, but also mildly amused. I guess I am a born storyteller after all.

Today, I had brunch at this place called Strictly Pancakes. The clientele is too young for my liking - lots of teens, from the looks of it. They were very strict too, with our booking. All in all, the place didn't leave a very favourable image with me, because it seems like they're more concerned with getting lots of traffic, rather than giving customers a relaxing experience. They're stingy with the butter (they gave only a little, and charged $0.50 if you ask for extra), they clear your plates way too quickly, and the space was cramped as hell.

The pancake I ordered was above-average. Good, but not good enough to overwrite the other factors that I listed above. Today would have been the fourth time I'm visiting the place. I'm never coming back again, if I had a choice. Today was an exception because out of the 7 of us, I was the only one who had gone there before. New things are always exciting, so I agreed with their decision to go to a subpar place for brunch.

Going to Kith Cafe tomorrow. I'm quite excited. Tomorrow is shaping up to be really busy. Brunch, and then I'm off to sign my contract for my LOA, and then I'm off to get my visa for India sorted out. Busy busy busy. I'll log off here then folks. Have a good evening. :)

Eat Brunch Twice A Day.

On a complete and total whim, I met up with a friend of mine at 8 in the morning at Changi Airport. She happened to be driving her parents to the airport, and I happen to be living close to the airport. So just like that, plans were put into place, and I found myself struggling out of bed and then rushing out of the house earlier than I was used to. 

The airport was nice, as always. This holidays, they have a Spongebob-theme going on. At different terminals, you can find Spongebob displays. It's pretty cute. At the same time, it was sort of a frightening realization - that Spongebob has been around for so long. When I was in Primary School, I was already watching the show. And here I am, many years later, marveling at huge displays of the same character. 

We drove to Holland Village where we found a nice place called Park. Park stands apart from Holland Village, at a random grass patch, all by itself. It was nearly deserted, as expected on a weekday morning. I had their usual breakfast and their latte. It was so-so, but I like the place nonetheless. The decor was very well-done, and they had lots of magazines. There were also powerplugs, which is a huge bonus!

After brunch, my friend went for her hair appointment, and I found myself all alone at Park. Some of my friends were studying at Republic Polytechnic, which is all the way at Jurong. On a whim, once again, I decided to make a trip up north. Before that, I bought cupcakes from Plain Vanilla.

Haha. I realize that I'm just describing what happened to me today, and not much about how I feel. How do I feel? Lemme think. I was happy to have met up with a friend, and it was really nice chatting with her over brunch. I'm also happy that I got to go to a new place, Republic Poly, and join some of my friends in the north. I probably won't do it again, but at the very least, I can say that I've been there.

I'm supposed to be studying for my three remaining finals - Consumer Behavior, Marketing Research and Strategy. Consumer Behavior and Strategy are very qualitative subjects - preparation will entail getting to know the subjects inside and out, and then being able to apply those concepts in the paper. I'm not too worried, because even given one day, I think I can do reasonably well. The more pressing problem was Marketing Research, which is a module I don't really like because of all the calculations, and mathematical concepts which were never fully fleshed out for us. I was worried, but then I realized that the paper was open book, so now I'm more relaxed.

All in all, I'm relaxed about my finals. I think I have enough time to study what needs to be studied. The next few months look set to be exciting as well, with my trip to India, and my full-time internship, and my Brandstorm competition, on top of all the other adhoc stuff which will surely come my way. It is packed, but at the same time, I don't know whether I'm going about it correctly. I guess you never do huh? One thing that's certain is that 2014 will be a different kind of year.

Hopefully, different in the best way possible.

Not The Way It Is.

Today I was supposed to head up to swim in the infinity pool of Marina Bay Sands. Alas, things didn't turn out like how I wanted it to. My friend and I had this free pass, supposedly, but it was rejected, because they recently changed their system or something. Sure, I was disappointed, but a large part of me was just glad that I was able to spend time with a friend who I won't be seeing again, in a really long while, I think.

We went to Windowsill Pies instead. And then had dinner after. It was cozy, and I can't really ask for more.

Before that, I had my first paper for this semester! It was for CAT, an excel course in SMU. I did my best, that's all I can say for sure. One of the questions was a tough nut to crack - I cracked it a little where some people barely dented it. Actually, most people couldn't even begin to answer the question. That puts me on the right side of the bell-curve.

Another thing that happened today was...well, one of my eyecandies from one of my classes sent me an email inviting me to be part of her team for a marketing case competition. I gladly agreed. If this competition goes as planned, I'll be juggling the competition with my internship, which is just the way I like it. Rather have your hands full, than playing with your balls, as I always say.

Past stuff.

I stumbled into a blog that I started earlier this year. It's really dark. I can't quite remember what state of mind I was in back then. I think I'm better, now, but I'm not sure. It's scary. One day, I'm alright, and the next day, I might be in pieces. My posts from that blog kept talking about how...I was going to get better, and how I'm a terrible person.

It saddens me how sad I was back then. Slowly but surely, I pick up the pieces and try to build something stronger, something that will not waver or break as easily. I must be made of titanium.

When I started today, my mind was set on rejecting an internship offer that I had received. The job scope wasn't exactly what I was looking for, and to me, if I was to take a break from school, it should be for a good reason. I aced the interview, and I think I clicked with my potential boss and coworker. But because it wasn't what I really wanted, I did not intend to accept it...until I found out about the pay. It is...significantly higher than what most interns get. I stopped thinking so much, and I accepted the offer.

So that's how my life is going to be like, from January to the end of April. It's exciting, and scary, but that's just how life is. At the very least, I'll be accumulating capital, which I can use to do some cool things. Before that, there'll be my India trip. All, totally new and exciting things. I'm hoping that this will help me improve as a person, but then again, I might be chasing illusions once again.

I'll leave this post here. It was nice talking to you once again, stranger.

An All-Nighter.

Yesterday evening was spent doing my CB Report. I love saying "CB Report" - CB is a Singaporean slang for vagina. So yeah, when I say "CB Report", it expresses precisely how I feel about the report. I actually like the subject - it's just that the timing is odd. I mean, it's already the exam week, and I'm still stuck compiling and making sense of parts of a whole. I slept at 5 in the morning.

I woke up at 8, 3 hours later to go for brunch with a friend from college. This time, we went to this cafe called Symmetry. Symmetry is by far the best cafe I've visited in Singapore. It's not inaccessible, being one bus stop away from Bugis. The food is excellent. The price is good. The waitress who served us was astoundingly cute. And the ambiance...they fucking nailed it. The whole time, it felt like I was transported to Penang once again. 

It was really nice catching up with an old friend. Anyway, after that, I had to continue the rest of my day. I could barely function. Actually, I can't remember much of what happened once I reached school. I think I took a nap. And then I took a walk. And I also chatted with some people. And revised and looked through my report. It's all a blur. Tonight, I'm back to editing that damn report again. It's mostly done - just a bit of touching up here and there. I do hope that I can sleep earlier today.

Despite having barely 4 hours of sleep, I still went for my run. I have this fear that if I miss one run, I'll continue to miss more. So yeah, I persevere. I'll sign off here. Today was a good day, on the whole.

A Collection of Strangers

I slept in a little this morning. It was completely worth it. I feel more refreshed now, though no less lazy. At least I don't have a strong urge to nap, and therefore, am likely to do more productive stuff. I finished revising for one subject, and I just looked up a few brunch places which seem really nice. 

At least I'm not napping.

This morning, I had the enormous task of trying to wake a friend up early, so that she could be productive in the morning. I told her to place the phone beside her head, and increase the volume to the maximum. But she didn't. All in all, I made 50 missed calls, and none of them got through. Hahaha. Oh well. It was a waste, in a sense, but I like helping people out, or at least, attempting to.

The book "Ogilvy On Advertising" is proving to be a complete treat. Ogilvy was a college drop-out and a former farmer. Somehow, he made his way to the top as a copywriter. It seems like his success stems from a genuine interest in connecting with people, and in doing whatever is necessary to do so. He did his due research, he honed his craft, and he wrote and wrote over and over again. True, some of his approach may be less relevant today, but he brings to the table the spirit of copywriting that I wish to someday possess.

I've been trying to work on a piece which I want to post on Medium for mass-consumption. It will be called "The Benefits of Writing For Yourself". I can't seem to get my thoughts out. I've been stuck on this for days now, which is sad. I know for sure that it's something worth writing about. I just can't articulate myself very well at the moment. One of these days!

Alas, I shall sign off here. Sunday's are relaxing aren't they? 

It's bad for you.

Have you ever wanted something that you know you can never have? It sucks, doesn't it? It's right there, but you can't take it, because that's just now how things are supposed to be. You keep wanting it, and you dream about it every damn night and day, but it will never be truly yours because the die has been cast, and nothing you can do can change the way things have turned out.

Anyhow, I had a nice brunch today at a hipster joint called Common Man Coffee Roasters. The place was pricey, and inaccessible, but I think the overall quality of the place made up for it. The ambiance was great, and the staff was extremely capable. When the food finally came, I enjoyed the hell out of every bite.

I went with two of my female college friends. One of them brought her boyfriend along. I was peeved at first - I mean, you don't just go around springing surprises on people like that. The whole dynamics of the brunch would have changed! And I don't like change, because I'm inflexible like that. Prior to the brunch, I was running scenarios of my head of catch-up topics, and things like that, and suddenly you throw a spanner into the works. My brain can't deal.

But it turned out okay. My friend's boyfriend opened up quite nicely, and everyone got along. I should be more open to new experiences. I tend to shy away from new people, and unexpected changes. The thing is, life is full of unexpected changes, and sometimes, you just need to go with it.

...

I just realized something. Actually, I don't always mind unexpected guests - if they're females. If a friend suddenly says that she has another female friend joining us, I have no such reaction. But if it's a dude, I'll be like...oh no you didn't. I might have a fear of connecting with guys. Mmm, need to change this hahahaha.

Alright, that is it for me. Have a good day, folks.

To India, and Beyond.

So today's quite interesting. I haven't done much studying, but that's not interesting at all. That's my modus operandi. I did finally confirm my flight of fancy to India. At 4pm, I met with the coordinator, and my fellow interns, and she briefed us on what to expect over there. It will be cold, she said, and it will be cheap too. There's serious work to be done, but there's lots of fun to be had as well, she said. Her positive vibes were infectious, and I'm starting to get a good feeling about the whole endeavor now.

My fellow interns seem like cool guys. I get along with most people quite well. With some people, I just don't seem to click. Hopefully they don't fall into the latter category. We booked our tickets to India. We're flying off on a Sunday morning, and coming back at the first Sunday of the new year. Strangely enough, we won't be seated together during the trip. :\ There was some special promotion going on, and they had Premiere Class tickets for sale at a discount. The other two booked first, and they got those seats. When it was my turn to book, there were no more. Sometimes, life's like that! Oh well. We move on.

Before the trip, I'd have to make a trip to some place to get my India visa. I also have to buy clothes for the cold weather, and walking shoes, and some casual wear for work. I have a feeling that what I have right now will be too "loud". My floral shirts will probably be met with disapproval.

I'm looking forward to going to Agra, and the Taj Mahal, and perhaps the Red Fort. My coordinator mentioned that taking the bus was some sort of adventure in itself. Mmm, we'll see!

On another topic, I also submitted one of my reports today. Somehow, I'm always the member of the group who does the printing and the submission of the report. Anyway, on route to the submission, I bumped into a girl who was also submitting a report. I didn't know where to submit the report to. As serendipity would have it, the girl was submitting the same report, to the same professor. I had never seen her before, but apparently, she was from my class, and she recognized me.

She was cute, and chubby, and bubbly. Mmm, I wonder what it'll be like to have a girlfriend like that. I wonder what it'll be like to have a girlfriend at all. Life is exciting. We submitted our reports together, and we had a nice chat about the module, and about what our majors are. Eventually we had to part, just as we were reaching a high in our conversation. I could tell that she wanted to talk a little longer, and I did too. Alas, when train tracks diverge, you just got to keep on chugging.

That'll be it for me. This has been really therapeutic and amazing. Feels like I'm unloading to a therapist. See you tomorrow, friend.

Sometimes, I can't help but be fucked up.

I do way too many things that I regret. Earlier was just one example. It's a recurring theme of my life. I should really do something about it. I wish that I had the ability to pick myself right away after a bad decision, but I don't. Instead, I dwell upon my mistake, and I promise myself not to do something similar again in the future. Of course, such a resolution only ends up complicating my future decisions. It's an unpleasant cycle that I need to break out of.

Maybe one day, I will develop into a brash, headstrong and confident individual. You know the type. The guy who makes a decision fast, sticks to it, and then doesn't think too much about that decision later on. I make my decisions fast, but everything after that is a mess. I should get my head checked. 

I took a long walk, made some vague tweets, and then walked a little more. It's windy now, where I'm typing, but when I was walking around, the sun blazed fiercely in the sky, and I felt sweat forming at my back and on my forehead. Can I go to a place where I didn't have to make any complicated decisions? Maybe this is why people just do things by default...decisions are tough, and living with them is even tougher.

Earlier today, I received a call from a company I applied with for an internship. They called to offer me a position at their agency. I would have jumped for joy, had I not discovered during my interview that the job scope wasn't as exciting as I had hoped it would be. So now I'm not so sure. Anyway, this will have an effect on the rest of my university life, I guess, as it changes when I graduate, whether I'll be able to go for exchange, and all those other things. 

I shall reflect upon this issue more.

Anyhow, this blog is going to function as a sort of dumping ground for lost thoughts. Blogging has become a very public affair nowadays. Back in the good old days, you had a blog, and you made the blog public only by letting people know that you have one, and what that address is. For me, my blog name was my MSN username - simple as that. If people read it, then they read it and if they didn't, they didn't. I didn't really care about people's response.

Today, you share your post on Facebook, and people can then 'like' it, or 'not', and everything has to have some message, or slant. Every post has dreams of going viral and has the pressure of being inspiring and eye-opening. But we can't be like that all the time. Sometimes we just want to do some honest bits of writing. So here I am.

If you find this blog, somehow, then congratulations. Welcome to my head. It's going to get raw, and emotional, and shitty. But it's just between you and me.